Unfriendly neighbors

Most of my neighbors, on the left, on the right, in front, and in back, are very personable people whom I´m glad to have met.

But there are some creepy crawlies below my feet that I wish would take the midnight bus to the USA border.

Big black scorpions and tiny little brown scorpions abound, and are hunting for my toes or trying to make a home in my shoes. I really don´t know which ones are dangerously poisonous, I just indiscriminately terminate all without prejudice in beautiful downtown AND uptown Catemaco.

Sweet Lady Anne of Catemaco

Doña Ana is one of those jewels of beautiful downtown Catemaco, Veracruz, who help the pueblo survive the onslaught of dozens of buses, filled with tourists, bearing trash.

She and her compañeras, mostly women, begin the day before sunrise, sweeping the streets of the downtown touristic areas.

Her 50 gallon drum container and dilapidated hand truck carry upward of 300 pounds to a central collection point in front of the central market.

Her children bought a cellphone for this tough little lady. It gives her the strength to carry on.

Mexican emigration

Perhaps someone adept at crawling across 30 miles of Arizona or someone who previously lived in a tent in Southern Pakistan, would possibly consider this column righteous.

The Mexican Immigration authorities, content with millions of their compatriots escaping to the land of milk and honey, maintain a bureaucracy designed to keep US citizens out of beautiful downtown Catemaco and elsewhere in Mexico.

Unable to convince its own citizens to pay taxes, the Mexican government imposes US 125 to 250 yearly fees for legal non-Mexicans, who have proved that their income arrives from OUTSIDE Mexico, and do so only after at least 2 yearly trips to an immigration office with about a pound of paper work.

Whatever happened to neoliberal equality among nations? Why can an illegal immigrant to the US get free healthcare, and buy whatever he wants, while my buddy who wants to invest some money into a Mexican bank account to invest in Mexico, has to spend several hundred man hours into kissing inept bureaucrats behinds, before being permitted to do so?

As I explained to my mystified Gringo buddy: Actually, most everybody in Mexico does so. This is neither an ethnic nor personal nor anti-American insult.

Capulteotl

This is the end of the world, at least for beautiful downtown Catemaco, Veracruz.

Almost one quarter of Catemaco county, between El Carrizal, La Barra and the foothills surrounding Lake Catemaco, are only fit for beasts and those that cater to them, or the politicians that decide where to build roads.

Access is by a one car, boat towed ferry (100 pesos each way, or a few pesos by highly irregular lanchas) to some wild and beautiful beaches. Shoot some pool, grab a beer or a soda at Don Yito´s before you head inland. That is the last outpost of civilization.

Great Sex in Catemaco

One of the beautiful downtown Catemaco, Veracruz best known delicacies are slimy fresh water snails (tegogolos) forcibly removed from their shells, washed in pure Laguna Catemaco waters, and cooked to the texture of shoe leather.

Mexican and international connoisseurs travel thousands of miles to gobble these small gastropods usually served in what passes for shrimp cocktail sauce in Mexico, (chopped tomatoes, onions, cilantro and ketchup).

Allegedly tegogolos are an aphrodisiac. That is hard to believe, especially after seeing a naked snail without its shell in person. Nevertheless the fable persists and may be the reason for the dozens of cantinas in Catemaco equipped with “slut” machines.

Of course, the French made snails edible just like other uneatables. The famous “escargot” is a cousin of these Catemaco snails who prefer to live in water instead of on land as their French relatives do.

Most escargot are served cooked in garlic butter with a little parsley, a miniature fork if served in the shell, and a loaf of French bread for dipping the delectable garlic snail sauce, and a pricetag of US 15.95 for a serving of 6.

Look for my next business venture in beautiful downtown Catemaco, serving cheap “Escargot a la catemaco”. And! you will get to take the polished snail shells home.

Haute cuisine in Catemaco

There comes a time in every man´s life when it is imperative to leave a warm hearth and hunt for something to eat. And in Catemaco, near the midnight hour, that becomes a little problematical on a weekday.

Unfortunately, I found my prey on a downtown street corner cluttered with hot dog stands that usually are ashamed to show themselves during the day time. And I stuffed myself with mystery meat weiners atop stale buns, slothered with mayonaise, tomatoes, onions and chiles, and I even tolerated the chef´s robbery of a handful of pesos more than he charged his next Mexican customer, oblivious to having heard me order my dog food in Spanish.

I mean, NAFTA, neoliberalism, yankee imperialism and all the other good stuff aside, WHAT happened to Mexican culture and its knife wielding "tacos de carne asada" choppers?

Yes, I could possibly die for a Nathan´s foot long, or one of those kosher monsters with saurkraut and mustard in beautiful downtown Catemaco, but this derivative cultural ethnocide with hot dogs has got to stop.

As for now I am totally weaned off Catemaco weiners